When I was pregnant with my son, Jonah, all I could think was, "My gosh, how will I ever love anyone as much as I love my wonderful daughter?"

Not moments after Jonah was born, though, all I could think was, "My gosh, how will I ever love anyone as much as I love my amazing son?"

I love them both so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything, and I really don't love one more than the other. I sometimes like one of them more than I like the other, though. ;]

• 17:22 If I'd let her, Alpha would eat cereal for every meal. And at every snack time. #

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	A Rather Surreal Landscape This is the last thing I saw before I drifted off to sleep the other night. I felt compelled to draw it for some reason. Perhaps it's important.
	Many-Headed Parrot And this was the last thing I saw before I woke up in the morning. Perhaps it's just as important as the landscape. I think there were more heads in the dream but they're difficult to cram in there. This is a work in progress. Obviously.

In other news, I should probably go upstairs to see if the book has arrived yet.

And how are all of you?

i did eventually manage to make it downstairs for weapons and more food. i'm not an ace with my dad's rifles or shotguns but i can work them alright. i haven't used them yet, as i haven't really needed to and i don't think ally would much care for the loud noise they'd make.

i found a heavy pipe up in the shadows of the attic and waited until the house had been quiet for a long while. alpha was distracted by some empty tin cans and i snuck down the stairs and (rather begrudgingly) then closed them up again. it would mean i'd take longer to escape but at least none of them would be getting up there to her before i got back. i slung the rifle's strap over my shoulder and loaded the shotgun. i grabbed a few boxes of ammunition from the top shelf of the rack and checked the safeties on both guns.

i grabbed a cloth bag from the closet hallway and filled it with all the food from the upstairs cupboards (and the ammo, of course) as i could, peering out the windows at the same time. i saw a few of them. joggers, from the looks of their clothes. i figured i'd be seeing a lot of those. i recognized one of them as our neighbour, ms. sargeant. she looked pretty good, considering. i actually almost thought she was just a survivor like me until she opened her mouth and started that horrible moaning.

anyway, then i got all the fruit from the basket in the dining area. while i as doing that i was also filling a jug with water. i packed that up too, while surveying the damage done to the house. two windows were busted in, one in the living room and one in the kitchen. the computer desk was overturned and papers were scattered everywhere. i'm guessing they came in via both windows but left through the one in the living room. either that or they were just hanging out in the basement. i wanted to go down and grab my phone charger but i really didn't want to chance being trapped down there. instead i just quietly shut the basement door and backed into the entry way again.

i thought briefly about whether or not i could board up the windows and just stay in the first floor area but immediately decided against it. what, would leave alpha upstairs while i did it? she'd be panicking in a few minutes when i hadn't returned and i reckon her crying would probably send the whole undead-neighbourhood running in our direction. then, just as i heard her say, "mama," something moved out of the corner of my eye.

i froze, then spun in that direction, flipping the safety off and cocking the gun in one fluid movement. "whoa," i thought. "i didn't know i knew how to do that..." fortunately, it was just my parents' cat. he looked relatively unscathed but a bit bristly. poor guy. i patted him and carefully uncocked the gun and put the safety back on. i heard something fall over in the basement and i took that as my cue to get back upstairs. ugh. back up to the stifling heat of the windowless attic.

it took two trips to get everything i wanted from down there but i think we're okay for a while. there are at least fans and vents up here to keep the air circulating and the air conditioning is still on downstairs so it's a lot cooler this summer than it was last. smokey is up here with us now and he helps to keep alpha entertained. i don't know why she's been so chill all day but she's been doing surprisingly well. thank god.

i also got some diapers and a few of her books. a tiny lamp, the pillows from my parents' room, along with two blankets, toilet paper, some paper plates and cups, alpha's straw cup and a bottle, a notepad and some ink pens... smokey's food. and my parents' cordless phone.

nick called and he's alright. he works in a big, windowless factory. they've locked all the doors and docks down so no one's getting in or out for the time being but at least he's okay. and the lucky SOB has an actual toilet to use. i'd give both these boxes of crackers to not be peeing into tin cans right now. we couldn't really talk much because my cell phone doesn't hold a charge for very long but he said he'd call back later on my parents' number. i miss him. i keep thinking that he should be going to sleep soon because he needs to get up early to go to work but... well, he's already there.

i haven't heard from my mom. my dad hasn't called either. the phone rang a few times after i first shut us up here but i couldn't get to it, obviously.

anyway, i hope you're all doing at least as well as we are. and if there's anyone out there that feels like swinging by to take us to a safer location, just drive by and honk and then come back in like half an hour. wait three minutes and if we're not out of the house and in your vehicle then take off. don't go risking your ass just to save ours, though.

i hope tomorrow is better than today was.

and that concludes my first day of zombie apocalypse. i hope you've all enjoyed the show. maybe next year you'll join me!

Alpha woke me up around 4 or so this morning, as usual. She was crying a little and once I was up and awake I realized the cat was FREAKING out. She was hissing and spitting at the window (she usually does this when my parents' cat is outside but I saw no sign of him) so I put her in her carry box thing and she scratched the shit out of my arm. She actually bit me and drew blood. Anyway, she was dealt with so I went to talk to Ally. She nursed for a while and then I put her back in her crib. Not long after that, Nick's alarm went off and he got up to go to work. I could hear my parents moving around upstairs and I laid in bed listening as they all filed out the door. My mom was the last to leave around 7:15 or so. Mog would occasionally spit or hiss or just throw herself against the side of her box. I eventually got out of bed when I heard the box fall off the table and onto the floor.

I righted her box and went back to the bedroom. It was around 8 am and pretty bright outside. Alpha was sitting up in her crib just chattering to herself. I got her out and she nursed more and we went upstairs for breakfast. I started bustling around, making her some eggs and watching TV while she pitter-pattered around the house in her pajamas.

I heard screeching tires, a dull thud, and then a horrible crash. I looked out the window, naturally, and saw that one car had rear-ended an already parked car. I also noticed there were bloody, smeared hand prints on the kitchen window. Cue my freaking out. I started towards the door and then stopped just as I grabbed for the knob. There were two people just at the end of my driveway and they seemed to have just pulled a guy out of the car that had smashed into the other one.

They were yelling... moaning like. But their sounds couldn't muffle the screams of the guy they'd yanked onto the pavement. His face was bloody and his leg kind of stuck out at an odd angle. Just as I realized what was going on there was a sudden pounding at the kitchen window. I jumped backwards away from the door and Alpha came running like she always does when she thinks we have a visitor. I can't describe what I saw when I looked out the window. I don't want to think about it because it makes me feel sick to my stomach. But... there were parts missing. An eye. An arm.

As I turned he started moaning. God, it's the most horrific noise I think I've ever heard. And now it won't stop. It's pretty much all I can hear. I can't hear the trains or the expressway anymore. Every once in a while I hear a siren or a shrill scream and for a few seconds I heard my cat mewling and screeching when they got into the basement.

Alpha and I are fine for the time being. We're hiding in the attic and I'm posting from the ancient laptop Nick borrowed from his brother in law. And here I was, thinking he was crazy for wanting to get the wireless router for it. I have my cell phone but I can't seem to get through to anyone. Nick's not picking up his cell and my mom's work number is just playing a recorded message. I'm terrified and I'm trying so hard to keep it together but I don't know what I'm going to do. We're safe up here, there's no way up other than the collapsible stairs so I'm... I can't say I feel good about where we are or what's going on but for the time being we're not in immediate danger. We have some food but not much. If I hadn't been in the kitchen when I realized what was happening we wouldn't have any but fortunately I had time to grab some canned fruit and some crackers.

I'm glad Alpha hasn't weaned herself yet because I'm pretty sure Coke Zero isn't her beverage of choice.

There are guns downstairs.. Knives.. Lots of things that could be used as weapons and I feel like such a moron for not grabbing pretty much anything before shutting us up in here. Maybe if things quiet down later.. I don't think there are many of them in the house. Only two or three on the ground floor but I don't know how many in the basement. The guns are only a few feet from the attic stairs. Right now I just need to concentrate on staying quiet and trying to keep Alpha entertained. She's sleeping now... I don't know how she can sleep with the rumbling and moaning but she is.

Is this happening everywhere? I wish I had a TV or a radio or something. I'm not really finding anything online about it. A bunch of news sites are just down. Shut down? Fuck. Maybe just too much traffic. This can't just be localized, then.

And to think, all I was planning on doing today was walking to the video store to take back some DVDs and go to a scrapping class with my mom. God I hope they're all alright. I hope they all just found safe places and barricaded themselves in and aren't trying to get anywhere. I can't believe it got this bad this fast.

The laptop's battery isn't fully charged so I'm hoping the power doesn't cut out any time soon.

Look, if any of you are reading this and you're noticing weird shit going on you need to get somewhere safe. Get somewhere without a lot of windows or a lot of ways in. Get food, get water, and get weapons. Bats, clubs, guns if you have them but remember that guns need reloading so be sure to have a backup weapon. If you have a second story, get there and then destroy the stairs so they can't follow you.

DO NOT LET THEM TOUCH YOU. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Movies and books say that they are infected and can infect you. I don't know if this is true and I pray to god I don't have to find out firsthand.

GO FOR THE HEAD.

If you find yourself in combat remember that these are no longer people. They are not your friends, family, neighbours or coworkers. You aim for the head and you take them down. Again, I don't know if it's just something made up or if it will work but I will not be taking my chances.

BE QUIET.

They can hear you. I don't know if they can smell you, but I'm betting that until their eyes rot out they can probably see well enough to track you. Don't attract attention to yourself. If you need to get somewhere, don't think you'll be able to stop for gas along the way.

Just, please, everyone think before you do ANYTHING. Please, please be careful.

So as not to incite a freak out...

I'll soon be posting an entry that is basically a big ol' lie. Don't take it seriously, and, dear joybeans, I hope it doesn't give you a wicked panic attack.

aw, nuts.

i just accidentally swallowed my gum and i do not feel like walking upstairs to get another piece.

i'll just sit here and finish watching america's funniest videos without minty deliciousness.

in other news, i have none.

I took this photo probably a year ago and never got around to getting it off the camera and uploading it. Ahh, well. It's a picture I took in a cemetery nearby. ( Here it is. )

( Here's a picture of me and Alpha that I drew on my tablet. )

It's very rough. I like it that way. Hee hee. Sigh.

For those of you who don't have Nick on your friendlist... Here's a link to some bebe photos.

http://pics.livejournal.com/pandashake/gallery/0000cyw0

She was seven pounds and 19.5 inches long. Born at 10:15 PM on the 16th of February. It hurt and I was tired and about an inch away from getting a c-section but I managed to get through it naturally. I had an epidural and active labor was only about an hour and a half. A very very long hour and a half.

Nick and my mom were there to hold my legs and just generally be my support staff.

I'm still tired. So... I'm gonna go shower and do some other stuff while Nick and my mom take baby back to the hospital for some more testing. Slightly more detailed birth story to come soonly.

She really is the most awesome thing ever.

watchin' tv and some commercials make me cranky.

seriously, people... if you've got herpes, and have apparently talked to your doctor about it, if you don't know that you can still spread herpes through unprotected sex even when you're not having an outbreak then you need a new fucking doctor who will TELL YOU THE FUCKING OBVIOUS. or you should have your genitals taken away from you.

also, are people so stupid that commercials for penile enhancement really require a disclaimer what states that the drug does not protect against pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases?

apparently, people are that stupid and need sex ed because their parents are too embarassed to talk to them about doin' it. trust me, it'll be better in the long run. politicians, and other easily embarassed folks, suck it up already.

I'm going to get dressed and spend the next hour and a half taking pictures of my legos.

Ohhhhh, I am such a loser.

I'm starting to be really bothered by people who are constantly complaining about Valentine's Day.

Most of them are just bitter because they're single or they just like to be contrary. Or they like to say it was created by card and candy companies to make money. Simply not true. It was capitalized on by them, but that's just the American way, isn't it? Whenever there's a big sporting event like the Superbowl or World Series, you do realize that winning shirts for both teams are made, right? And confetti of both teams colours is on hand waiting to be shot into the air.

Anyway, the holiday has been celebrated long before Hallmark or Whitman's came along. It was likely named and celebrated for St. Valentine as a way for Christians to.. well, Christianize the Lupercalia Festival. Yanno, like they did with Easter and Christmas.

Anyway, my point is that people who so seriously dislike Valentine's Day and can't even explain, or have no valid reason for why really piss me off. It's just like... It's prejudice. =P

It's commonly known as a holiday for sending sentiments of love. Not even necessarily the romantic type of love. C'mon, I know I wasn't the only one who bought boxes of Valentine cards for years in elementary school. And considering the shape this piece of shit world, specifically the US and its hate-mongering population is in, I'm not against any day that is a celebration of love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yay! THANK YOU to whoever gave me this nice anonymous valentine. :D

http://www.livejournal.com/users/140204/1674.html?thread=381066#t381066

You totally made my day.

Someone e-mailed this to me. I have no idea what.. who.. why.. anything. It's nice, though. So, thanks to.. heh.. you? Or you? Maybe you?

FAT CITY SOUND

fire hydrant open full,
gushing summer
street feel, Brazilian tropical brown,
concrete, artificial banana smell
blindside narcissist overcrowding,
groups of ambiance, coolin'
priors declared,
stylin' bodybag slipstream
root down,
fat city sound
hold the speakers high
do your freak dance,
crazy raw, beautiful nasty
boom dip,
kisses low on the neck
encounters at the moment,
teasin' the stealth
gritty kitty purr-haps,
irresistibly harmless
skin, skin, skin,
absorbing excesses
healers brew
wavefold azure,
spaghetti western stares,
dilated wicked ambitious
in it, the groove
ain't changin'
re-light the roll-up

BUCK FUTTER.

"I'll be there with bells on...my ass-kicking bells."

"I'd give you a massage, but I don't know you too well and your boyfriend can manipulate reality."

Heh heh. Random quotes are funny..

it's the apocalypse.

state of emergency declared. the president spoke. he god blessed us all. they cancelled major league baseball and closed both disneys in the US. car bombs and four plane crashes. the world trade centers are gone. they're just gone. no one will ever see them again. ever. guiliani made a statement: stay calm, evacuate lower manhattan. my dad has to go back to the east coast tomorrow. his boss wants him to go into NYC but instead he's going somewhere in jersey. too close for comfort in my opinion. people jumping out of the trade center before it collapsed. did they think they really had a chance? two united airplanes, two american airlines planes. part of the pentagon collapsed. so many people. in the last little while, five battleships from northfolk have been shipped out. two aircraft carriers, out to sea. sent to the new york area. purely for defense reasons. the ash and tiny debris from the trade centers is so thick that in places it looks like snow. shops in nj are closed. almost every place of business. buildings in austin and dallas are being evacuated. schools in chicago and surrounding areas are being closed. even the police here are out. here, in the middle of nowhere. too much too fast. people expecting an attack on the westcoast. blood shortages in ny and dc. surgeons being called to reattach body parts. people are dying. people are dead. i can't fathom what it would be like to not understand the value of a human life.